Dealing with in-laws

Human beings are supposed to be the most evolved thinkers. However, when it comes to relationships people are often aggressive and territorial. Case-in-point: the “dealing with in-laws” syndrome. It is common for a wife and mother-in-law to hate/resent one another and for a husband to constantly take pot shots at his wife’s mother and father. Movies, serials and more have been great successes as they focus on drama within families.

I personally never had problems dealing with “in-laws.” I lived in a joint family for over sixteen years and, my husband was “best friends” with my mother and even stayed nights at the hospital when she was sick with cancer.

It’s not that they had a sweet relationship—both were aggressive and argued often. The magic was that they would fight one minute and go off to the mall or beach with the rest of the family next.The key to their relationship was that they “agreed to disagree.”

Here are some tips to dealing with in-laws:

Don’t be territorial

When you marry it is not just your love you are marrying. In fact it’s a scenario of “take one get all.” A husband does not stop being a son, nor a wife stops being a daughter. So you need to accept this from day one and make all efforts to be tolerant and friendly. If you erase “mine” and replace with “ours” most of the hassles will disappear. Begin the relationship on the right foot and befriend the in-laws.

Draw lines

Just as you behave with certain professionalism at work or in your social circle, you must make those same efforts with your in-laws. Sit down with your better half and decide on what’s okay and what’s not.

For instance it should be okay to let in-laws know that you will be going out or have something else to do and so they may need to reschedule their visit.

Also in your routine, mark down time slots for “ meeting/socializing” with your in-laws. Relationships need to be worked on and strengthened. Just remember they have devoted a life time to raising your better half.

Nip it in the Bud

Communicate and address issues directly with in-laws. Make all efforts to ensure that you are not walked on. If you resent (or are upset by) what an in-law said or criticized, let them know that and request them to refrain from talking down to you.

Direct lines of communication work best. Try not to escalate situations by complaining to your husband/wife or asking your spouse to take sides. This just fractures your own relationship with your wife/husband. Be gentle but firm and you will find a huge change.

Build Respect

Dealing with in-laws is not easy. All new relationships take time to succeed. Respect your in-laws and demand respect in turn.

A friend of mine had a mother-in-law who constantly bullied her and tried to make her run the home in a particular way. My friend (a psychologist) was clever. She conversed with her mother-in-law about her own in-laws’ experiences as a new bride and how she developed into a “perfect” housewife.

As the conversation grew the mother-in law related how her mother-in-law was a tyrant and constantly was on her case—recalling her own young days made her realize that she was doing just what she resented as a young bride. From that day on my friend and her mother-in-law became best of friends.

So, never rave and rant or cry. Tears will never get you anywhere. Explain that you would like to be independent and learn from your mistakes and that you will seek advice when required.

It is not hard at all

Work on your marriage vows of togetherness through thick and thin. Create an understanding with yourselves and with your extended family. Hurt and resentment are what lead to unhappiness and divorce.

Relationships need to be strengthened with love and understanding. Even the most tyrannical in-law will come around if you employ the best strategies and communicate.