Marriage and Ego

I come from a generation that “stood at the wicket for long innings” where marriage is concerned. A time when most of us married arranged and love hopefully came later or never at all. Today all around me I find couples are splitting up and often for the pettiest of reasons—he is mean and does no housework. She is a flirt (having friends or being popular does not really equal flirting), or misunderstandings over small things. Mulling over the trend, I thought where has tolerance, adjustment, and so on, gone? It seems to have flown right out of the window.

Giant Egos need to be snipped

Somehow in relationships today the “I” and “me” has more prominence than the “we” and “ours.”

Just the other day the whole family was out on a drive when my son-in law said “my car is being abused by_____,” I immediately thought ‘it’s the family car.’ It belongs to both him and my daughter, yet he is so possessive about the vehicle that he is unforgiving of the small dent that my daughter caused by accident. Western living and higher education combined with huge earning potential has served to massage egos sky high. Very often in marital misunderstanding egos create insurmountable walls that never dissolve leading to broken homes and single parenthood. While I agree that one needs to end marriage when it becomes abusive, I somehow think very often couples are unbending and unforgiving and tend to add fuel to anger often egged-on by office colleagues and friends. When a fight happens one needs to give time to cool off, cut off hurting words and unnecessary blame and re-look at whether the strife was really called for. Marriages work when the partnership is real and matters are sorted out calmly. It is important to re-look at life and what is important: is it the me or us? Think of the children and revisit the love that was there and is just probably below the surface of all that hurt and bluster.

Reach for help

If and when a fight happens, reach for help—don’t take scissors and cut things up beyond repair. Try out a marriage counselor. Today even divorce courts insist that couples talk to professionals to determine whether divorce is the only answer. Talk to a friend or parents who have your interests at heart and can help you see things clearly and not egg your anger on. If required, take a break away from your partner and think things through. Life is not always about money, possessions and material things. Relationships last when you understand that the other is hurting and upset or are going through a tough phase in life and needs understanding and not blame. It is when things go wrong that you need to stick together and not abandon ship.

A couple I know had a marriage that went through really hard times, yet the wife squared her shoulders and was ready to bear the yoke with her husband. I was a child then and often wondered why she did this when all life has given her was trouble for no fault of hers. She once said “I always took my marriage vows seriously and will stay with him through thick and thin—till death do us part.”

Marry for love and friendship and then make all efforts to make it work. The happiness of being a part of a strong family is a blessing. Work at marriage and marriage will work for you—believe me. It’s 32 years and we are still going strong and hope to celebrate the golden year.