Embarrassment – Time to Forget and Move On

The dictionary has an abundance of words associated with embarrassment, such as shame, discontentment, discomposure etc. While it may mean different things to different people, all of us are likely to have suffered it at some point in our lives—although the degree of embarrassment may differ in every example. A lot depends on what a person considers embarrassing.

Some people may consider laughing loudly at a restaurant, or spilling water or dropping food on oneself as embarrassing, where others may not.

It’s a question of personal choices that people make. While momentary embarrassment is common, and generally easy to forget, intense embarrassment can be quite hard to deal with. In fact many psychologists have attributed it as a possible cause of depression and dejection in people.

Feeling shameful about oneself, one’s situation in life, or one’s actions can create long term ill-effects on mental well-being. Hence, it is important for people to reflect upon their feelings of inadequacy and come to grips with it, before it overpowers their rational thinking.

Sheila Pradhan* recounts the horrendous experience she had when her fiancé dumped her days before their marriage. She had quit her job to live with him in another city, convinced her parents (it was a love match), and painstakingly planned the entire wedding, from arranging the venue to picking the cards—because the prospective groom was supposedly “knee-deep in work and had to complete heaps of work before he went on his three-week wedding hiatus.”

Turns out, the man had developed cold feet thinking about the lifelong “hitch” and wanted a few more years of being footloose and fancy free. Love wasn’t enough and all he could summon just days from the wedding was a break-up text.

“I was trying out the wedding trousseau when the message came. My sister read the message and could not contain her shock. I thought it was a joke and could not believe that he could do something this drastic. He didn’t even have the courage to pick up my calls.”

The cancellations, the myriad explanations to curious friends and family, and the social barbs left Pradhan deeply embarrassed.

“I blamed myself for the fiasco. I had misread the man and misjudged his commitment. Perhaps he didn’t love me as much as I loved him, but coming to terms with this truth was very hard. I stopped answering calls and going out. It was a very difficult phase. I was questioning myself and my decisions. I felt unloved, unwanted, and unattractive.”

It was after months of wallowing in self-pity that Pradhan finally snapped out of her depression.

“I got a call from my ex-boss. He had moved on to a bigger name where he was building a team. He wanted me to join him. It was an exciting job, which presented a higher position and pay. That call was like manna from heaven, a ray of sunlight in my dark days.”

Although Pradhan made a shaky start, she soon settled into her new routine. Her confidence improved, and she realized that despite the despair, her talent did not desert her. It took her a year, but she regained her life and pledged never to let the incident get in the way of her happiness again.

“Kunal’s* guilt got the better of him and he made several attempts to patch things up, but it was too late. I had moved on. We both work in advertising and bumped into each other several times, but I vowed never to let him affect me again, even when I saw him with other women. It was really hard and I found myself floundering, but with some understanding from my boss and team members, as well as friends and family, I was able to pull it off.”

Pradhan is still working with Mahesh* and is his right-hand woman. She got married last year, with a man picked by her parents and approved by her.

“Kunal was my first love, but he was also responsible for my first heart break. It has taken me long enough to emerge from that embarrassment and hurt and I have become more mature. My husband is a nice man and I am really enjoying getting to know him a little more everyday of our marriage.”

Reflection

Reflection is the first step in facing any truth. It is pertinent that a person analyses why he/she is feeling shameful. Often it is not the situation, but what a person perceives it to be, that creates a sense of embarrassment.

In retrospect, Pradhan admits that it was the feeling of being rejected that worsened her misery. “Ever since that episode, I’ve met several women who have been through bad relationships.

They all say that the overcoming the negativity is the biggest challenge. The moment one comes to terms with such feelings, it becomes easier to face the mirror and not die of shame.”

Manage your emotions

The next step on the road to recovery is learning to manage the emotions that embarrass us. Catharsis is often recommended as a means to vent one’s feelings.

From penning our thoughts in a diary, to speaking about it with a parent, guardian, or comrade—there are many constructive ways in which people can relieve their emotional burdens. Often, when we feel embarrassed about something, we hide from the world.

However, shrouding our emotions often intensifies them, making us more vulnerable than we ought to be. “I had locked myself in a shell of misery and did not dare to move out of it. When Mahesh called me and I shared the news with my family, my long-locked emotions came out in a flood,” says Pradhan.

Embarrasment – Forget and Move on

Once we have given vent to our feelings, it’s time to forget and move on. People make it worse for themselves when they keep on dwelling on the mistakes and miseries of the past.

If something embarrassed you terribly, and you faced up to it, then it’s time to move on. If you keep worrying about how others will treat you after the episode, then you’ll never be able to cut loose and regain normalcy.

Even if someone says something to worsen your embarrassment, it is up to you to let it affect your happiness. In most instances, if you avoid thinking too much about what others are saying and get on with the task at hand, it won’t be long before you emerge out of any lingering sense of discomfort. “It felt horrible when I first spoke to Kunal after the episode. He had broken something inside me and I could not come to talk about it.

But when I summoned the courage to do so, it felt really good. What helped was the fact that I was doing well professionally and had the support of my family and friends.” Pradhan says that the experience taught her that we often exaggerate our suffering and make it worse.

“What happened was terrible, but it was not the end of the world. Once I got busy with a new routine, I found that I had been paying too much attention to the hurt instead of seeking help in overcoming it. The world did not stop because my wedding was called off and beyond a point even others stopped talking about it. Everyone has their life to look after and what happened in mine can only be temporary fodder for gossip. When I stopped listening to it, I started living again.”

*names changed on request.